ANOTHER DIARY. Funny how I need to remain iddle, writing mails, reading and doing fruitless things for ages before actually being able to get to work. Among other things, at work, I read transcripts of Gilmore Girls episodes, movie reviews, articles, and diaries. Today, I was reading Opaline's diary. And: oh, my God. So many things at the same time. 1/ I so want to get the hell out of Rouen and abroad. To Ireland. or Canada. or Spain. 2/ Oh the folly of these wild times!! 3/ She's so young, though, and so intense...
This, and my Canadian friend Carla's mail about her having spend a month in a van at the corner of a street and an avenue in New York city, selling Christmas trees - makes me wonder why I'm stupidly sitting here, at this desk while there's an infinity of other much more exciting lives to be lived out there, while one still can. I have obliviously set chains on myself for the next two years - Since it's no use crying over spilled milk, I shan't ponder on whether it was such a good idea or not to engage in this bloody PhD, but I must promise myself that I will at all costs avoid sealing a similar deal at the end of these 2 years. In the form of accepting an assistant professor position somewhere in France, for instance. Anywhere. I mean it. Of course it will look appealing, of course there will be the horrible doubts of never being offered such a possibility again. Of course. However, I must focus on the ultimate goal of travel, multilingual environment, new horizons, etc. It's not that bad being here, it's in fact much better than before I left for Canada, but then at the time, I was really going crazy. Even though I don't need to go that bad, it's still what I want, it's how I want to live. I'm being too stupidly patient. I should have only one goal, just like a few years ago: go, go, GO!!!
What with going swimming twice per week? How pathetic and typical of people set in their stupid unalterable ways. I will go, still, but I hope I won't forget that there are other places where to swim, other places where to live. I am too conventionnal, to much in tune with what people expect from one. Graduate from Highschool. Go to university. Get your master's done. Then get your PhD done. Then get a job. How about the going abroad then? It's always "later, later you'll see to that". I'm beginning to realise that there's no other time to see to it than the precise moment one decides to do so. Did they think I'd be satisfied with the one short, miserable year? But I WILL go again, I really will.

posted by A. 9:08 AM

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HAPPY NEW YEAR! So much to write, so much to do, and so little time!! First, I'll start with new year resolutions - very similar to last year's, unfortunately, which says something of the failure to keep them...
So:
1/ Exercice more. Viz. go swimming to the local pool twice per week : I'm starting today. Really, I've got the full gear beside me, ready to be used during lunch break.
2/ Take better care of myself. Viz. make efforts to dress properly, use super shampoo and other beauty products, ensure I have a decent hair style, etc. Arrgh! (don't laught!!) I'm starting softly with the use of face cream twice per day, but after a week of this daily annoyance, I can confirm that it is such a hassle! Actually, I'm blaming this on my mother: my idea is that you have to be trained from birth to be able to bear or worse- enjoy the masquerade of attempting to turn one in a beauty queen.
Now, a few add-ons to this list:
3/ Eat proper breakfast in the morning - complete failure since I started work again...
4/ Get up earlier in the morning, and get my ass to work at a decent hour, like 8.30, or 9.00 - nothing extraordinary. The problem is that, observation of 1/ and 2/ demands much more time than one would think at first, and even thought I do get up earlier than before, I'm still rushing out without having had any breakfast whatsoever, and reaching my office around 9.30...
5/ Don't let people give me shit and boss me around. One thing I should have clearly learned from 2003 if I was not convinced of it before is that more often than not, I know best. And secondly, so many people are incompetant at their job, that 1/ it really isn't a catastrophy to make wrong decisions at work from time to time, as long as it's not anything too crucial - I mean, all these incompetant people did get a job, and still have it in spite of their true incapacity to do it properly... 2/ it's really safer to listen to one's instinct, since others are highly likely to push one into doing the wrong thing instead of avoiding it...

posted by A. 3:31 AM

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